Where to go when you feel like you’re bothering everyone with your problems and no one actually cares? Here I guess. Hello old friend. It’s been a while.

I get so torn between paying very little for a good amount of nail art supplies but waiting 2+ weeks for them to arrive…and paying more for less items that will arrive in less than a week. Hmm.

It all pans out in due time

I remember certain things I used to worry about so much. I had no clue how I would ever have a boyfriend. No clue how I would keep a boyfriend. No clue how I would land a job or keep one. So many things I worried about that ended up panning out much smoother than I’d originally imagined. So I hope I can remember those things and not worry so much when “impossible” things come into play. They can totally happen.

It’s funny how we grow into adults so seamlessly. So seamlessly we almost don’t even see it happening.

I tried to make myself think for a second that I was strong enough not to start out the new year crying my eyes out. And I’m did…sort of. My family’s little tradition, I guess, is for us to gather together and watch the countdown and have some alcohol (in my case, sparkling apple cider) and hug each other and say happy new year and all the such. But moments before that I had to pretend I stubbed my toe so bad it made me cry. It’s so weird how I already know who just doesn’t care. It’s also weird to think that I really barely have friends anymore when it really comes down to it. The true definition of being an outsider. And as much as I want change this year, I wasn’t strong enough to start it. And I don’t know when / if I’ll be. I feel like I have the right to feel this way, but it also makes me feel stupid for caring so much. I’m just not good at holding steady ground when everything I touch turns to rubble. Things that are important to me are stupid to other people and I’m wrong or weak for it somehow. I just don’t know anymore.

Adulthood. Feels good, man. Kind of.

So I feel like I had a breakthrough earlier (technically yesterday, the 23rd). It was the first time that I went shopping and didn’t (entirely, annoyingly) hesitate to buy most of what I picked up and regret it later. And it felt great. Whenever I go shopping (or a “spree”, rather), I’m usually on a tight budget and end up buying things that are cheaper but I don’t want them as much as something that’s a little more expensive or picking up what I really want, thinking about my expenses and then putting it back. It was such a wonderful feeling to see something and be like, “OMG I have to have that. I’m buying it.” And actually buy it. Didn’t have to grieve over the price for a long time. It just feels great to have worked hard for my money and to be able to do some actual comfortable spending.

I need more straightedge friends. Awesome people, show yourself.

I miss when all my friends cared about was each other. I miss my friends. I miss the past. Some parts. I guess I’ve missed a lot. I’m still missing out.

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Being a human sucks.